Who Really Suffers: The Addict or the One Who Loves Them?

Addiction doesn’t just happen to one person.

It happens to everyone who loves them, too.

We talk a lot about the addict’s pain — and rightfully so.

But what about the mother who lies awake every night, wondering if her son is still alive?

The husband watching his wife disappear behind wine bottles and excuses?

The friend who keeps giving one more chance, until there’s nothing left to give?

So here’s the uncomfortable question:

Who really suffers more — the addict, or the one who loves them?

Two Versions of Hell

The addict lives in a war zone of their own making.

There’s chaos, shame, secrecy, and self-destruction.

But in some twisted way, there’s relief, too — the substance becomes a coping mechanism, a way to numb the unbearable.

But the one who loves them?

They get none of that relief.

They feel the chaos without the buffer.

They live in fear, heartbreak, confusion — and silence. Always wondering:

“Should I say something… or stay quiet?”

“Is helping them actually hurting them?”

“Why do I keep forgiving this?”

“Am I crazy… or are they gaslighting me?”

The addict gets high.

The loved one gets haunted.

The Invisible Burnout

Loving an addict can make you feel like you’re the one going insane.

You start to question your instincts.

You make excuses for them to others.

You hide the truth from friends, co-workers, even yourself.

You spend your days scanning for signs — are they using again? Are they lying?

And then comes the most devastating part:

You start to lose yourself in the process.

Your needs get smaller.

Your voice gets quieter.

Your world becomes centered around their survival.

And somehow… you’re the one bleeding out while trying to keep them alive.

The Guilt No One Talks About

Here’s what loved ones often won’t admit out loud:

That they’re angry.

That they’re tired.

That sometimes, they fantasize about walking away.

That part of them grieves the addict even while they’re still alive.

That some days, they wish it would all just end — because the waiting is its own kind of death.

And then they feel guilty for having those thoughts.

Because "they’re the one who’s addicted, not me.”

But pain doesn’t follow clean lines. And love doesn’t make you immune.

So… Who Does Suffer More?

There’s no scoreboard in addiction.

The addict suffers. The loved one suffers. Everyone loses something.

But what we have to start recognizing is this:

The suffering of the loved one is just as real. Just as deep. Just as valid.

It deserves space.

It deserves support.

It deserves recovery, too.

Because if you're loving someone in active addiction, you're not just collateral damage — you're a survivor of your own kind of trauma.

If This Is You

If you’re loving an addict right now, here’s what I want you to hear:

You’re not weak for staying.

You’re not cruel for leaving.

You’re not selfish for needing boundaries.

And you’re not crazy for loving someone who’s hurting you.

But you do need to come home to yourself.

You can’t pour from a bleeding heart.

You matter, too.

And maybe this is the sign you've been waiting for — to start your own healing. Not theirs. Yours.